I investigated many diets in this world trying to control my ‘desire’ for food. I realized this is not a true starting point. I researched as i desired to eat the ‘best diet’ on earth – one that is tasty and healthy. i realized I have to look at the fear that is fueling that desire – the fear being where the desire started. I saw fear of food not being tasty and fear of food making me sick. I found out the reason why I am fear being sick was there was no health care in the Philippines. It was expensive and if one did not have money to pay for hospital expenses, one can die. So within it is also fear of death.
I ate meat for about 17 years. My mother and my grandmother prepared my food during my childhood and my teenage years. When i was in high school, from time time I felt pain inside my chest. I went to a ‘heart specialist’ to be told that there was nothing wrong with my heart. He said i just need to play outdoors. I am uncertain why that is because i am experiencing pain in my heart sometimes when i am overwhelmed. I believed that something is wrong and i have to fix it. Little did i know that i have to look at where it started to be able to be certain i am not just acting from the point of fear. So in desperation, i seek out some new things that work for others theorizing that if it worked for them it can work for me too. I did not realize my body has it’s own genetic make-up with different set of parents.
When i went to college, i tried a cooked vegetarian diet – believing that animal meat made me sick and believing that this is a vegetarian diet is a ‘better’ diet. This was me deciding from the starting point of – fear of getting sick with a belief that if i do not do something to fix this health problem, i can die of a heart condition.
I was invited to attend a vegetarian lunch and while there, i saw that it was possible to eat only vegetables as i saw all of them eating only vegetables. I heard and read that vegetarianism was better than a carnivorous/meat diet- so i adopted a cooked vegetarian diet. What i noticed in this diet, is that – i started having aversion for meat or the carnivorous diet because i heard and read information that it can cause illness. I believed that. I manifested that belief. I got a fever when i accidentally eat meat even just tiny amounts of it. I did not see/realize and understand that i can manifest my beliefs.
I believed that when i felt good eatinga certain diet – that diet is good and when i felt bad eating a certain diet – that diet is bad. I believed that what i considered normal was ‘not good enough’ – judging myself because of a belief that normal is not as good as being ‘special’ – where i made being normal less than being ‘special’. Not realizing this is the mind working from a polarity point. I am judging food as more or less than life within my mind instead of seeing that food coming from plants and animals are equal to life because just like humans we are all birthed here. I interpreted reality and labeled it as either positive, neutral or negative. I did this too with my experiences. I classified them as good, bad or neutral instead of walking life and the sequences of events unfolding in every moment without judgment – just me living here as who i am. I did not realize that who i am – is not defined by positive or negative experiences – based on movement, friction and balance.
I believed that when i was testing a particular diet or lifestyle – if it made me feel good and look good, it was the best diet. I was enslaved by my desire to be the ‘best’ – coming from the starting point of FEAR – fearing me as who i have become – as the personality looking for the next positive experience – wanting to be the ‘best’ – fearing to be the ‘worst’ .
I existed in fear of that which will make me live a ‘normal’ existence – as the ‘normal me’ is ‘not the best’ me. I saw it as the ‘worst’ me – the me that i have become – which i refused to see and correct in every moment of breath. I lived my definition of myself – fearing of sickness/illness – searching for the ‘best diet or lifestyle’ that will make me the ‘best person’ believing i am incomplete and that i have to complete myself through eating the ‘best diet’. I believed that i am what i eat or not eat- not realizing that i am that which is equal to all that exist here- as all are birthed here in this one life.
I am not defined by what i eat or not eat.
The origin of the desire to live a certain way or to eat or not eat a certain way is – fear of not being the ‘best‘ . It was fear of not ‘feeling good and fear of not looking good’.
When i lived in Melbourne, Australia, i attended a cooked vegan group party. In that party, a film was shown where a doctor is pulling a solidified fat inside the arteries of a man. The fat resembled solidified butter. I had a fear of going to the hospital – so that scared me. I can feel my eyes dilate as i watch the film. I also believed at that time that it was not good to drink milk because the manufacturers put a blue dye to the milk to make it white – and believed that milk can be mucus – forming so I investigated a cooked vegan diet – from that starting point – which is from a starting point of fear.
When i came to America, i ate at a raw vegan restaurant. I ordered a raw brownie a la mode – which was really good. After that experience i researched in the internet and learned how to prepare raw food. I did not have a dehydrator then, so i dried food under the sun. I then proceeded to make some vegetarian dishes which i liked and that was how i started and explored the raw vegan diet.
I felt light. I ‘felt good and looked good’.
When my raw food friends started juice feasting and one friend started talking about the benefits of juice feasting so i decided to just drink juice and smoothies daily. I felt light. I saw myself younger when i looked at the mirror. Of course what i did here is judge what i saw in that mirror as either good or bad.
I ‘felt good and looked good’.
One day i saw a video about a man who lived by just looking at the sun. In that interview, he said that this experiment is being done by him with the assistance of doctors in India who constantly monitors his ‘progress’. It looked authentic to me at that time – believing that doctors know best about the body and how it works – not realizing that doctors arealso motivated by profit – forgetting the common sense of communicating with the body to know what it prefers for me to eat.
I also ‘felt good and looked good’ while juicing and doing sungazing.
I went to the Philippine to have a vacation one day and my dad told me that he tried eating fruits for a certain length of time and his cancer disappeared. He also looked 10 years younger. I was amazed to see him very healthy. When i saw a man living simply by just eating fruits in the internet, i put 1 + 1 together and decided to try it. I only ate fruits. This decision was motivated by the desire to look young – originating from my fear of looking old – using food transcend my fears . I only ate Fruits so that made me feel light. When i look at the mirror i saw myself looking very young. It reminded me of how i looked when i was 18 yrs old.
I added this to whatever memories i had in my data bank in my mind and connected this to my fears. I wanted to be young, feeling good and looking good. I just felt too light in that diet. There was fear that i will get dizzy if i stay on that diet for a long time,
But i also ‘felt good and looked good’ in the fruitarian diet.
As if this is not enough abuse to the body, one day, while surfing the internet, i came across a breatharian, who did not eat but ate a Mc Donald’s big mac and coke one a month or so. He had a slim body and shiny skin. That was what i defined as a healthy look. I researched further and saw a female breatharian who also looked good. She was slim and she looked good and with a shiny skin. She worked out regularly and lifted weights. Then, i saw another breatharian male who was a fitness professional – who can run very fast and can do a bench press very easily with one hand. He looked slim and his skin was shiny. He spoke well. He looked strong with firm muscles in his body. He speaks well. So, i said ‘ man, if he can do that i can do that too’. I want to look good like him and very strong. If i do that, i can transcend the instinct to eat and drink so i can transcend sickness and death.
This looks like the solution to transcending sickness and death, not realizing that i will create tremendous stress for the body if i stop feeding it nutrients that it needs realistically.
I was satisfied with the rawfood diet at that time, but I believed that if the raw food diet is the ‘best’ and this guy is saying breatharianism is the ‘best’ then either rawfood is the ‘best’ or it is not the ‘best’ and breatharianism is the ‘best’. I reasoned that if i can exist without eating and be healthy, become strong and look good that is the ‘best’ i can be – not realizing i am here in every moment as breath within this body living life – so what more do i need? Nothing really. It was just the positive and/or the negative values i placed on things, people, plants, animals etc. that make them so.
I wanted to start ‘not eating’ because that will also save me a lot of money. At that time, i lost my job after i got separated from my ex-husband. I know it will not be easy.
While i was deciding to get into this new lifestyle, i found a job. There was a weight loss contest at work one day. I decided to join. I started ‘not eating nor drinking one day a week. It progressed to 2 days a week, then 3 days a week until i tried to do it for 3 and 1/2 days. I decided to try this lifestyle and see if it will make me lose weight and win the contest. I did not admit at that time that i was doing it to compete – but i realized it was my starting point and i was trying to deny that because i do not want to face losing/failure which was really self-dishonest. It was very clear i fear losing and desired to win within my mind, i just would not admit it.
The first day was very difficult because i did not take food nor water while working at the same time. It felt like i was dying and i was watching me die. I did not eat one day a week and then i tested not eating for 2 days a week and it became 2 and 1/2 days a week. The second day was a ‘bit better’. It was surprising that the body seems to adjust to whatever i was doing. The third day was easy and the body started to adjust to this new lifestyle. I ran faster than i normally ran. I started sleeping only for 2 hrs., i experienced my body did not want anymore sleep. But I started having fear of not being able to adjust to society. I have a friend who was saying this is also an energetic thing. I found out he was right knowing that i started this investigation froma a starting point of fear of being normal wanting to be special, believing that since most of the people on earth eat, i will be ‘more than’ them if i do this.
Eventually, i realized that at the moment, when our mind is taking energy from the body when we have thoughts, ‘self-talk or backchat’ etc., we have to feed the body. I can see that this can be possible when we stop our mind and has to be cross-referenced with people who are doing the same process of stopping mind participation. I also realized that we also have to assist in birthing a world that truly honors life so we can support each other to live in dignity. So i stopped.
I am now embracing all kinds of food and walking with the body to give it the nourishment it needs. I use self-forgiveness for beliefs about food. A belief is not real as i create it in my mind. This also indicate that if i am in the mind evolving myself through imaginations and self-talk, i am not here as breath realizing i exist within a body. I am somewhere out there other than here. I realized this is an alternate version of me in an alternate reality trying to transcend my fears and trying to be whole when i am here as the breath – always stable.
I am at the moment logging my daily food and weight. I realized i cannot change that which i am not aware of.
Awareness is the Key!
I simply live as who i am, realizing that all are birthed here in this one Life – therefore Equals .
Buds of Life Health Coaching: