Lots of time nothing to do?’
My aunt started crying when she saw me and i wondered why i was not feeling that same sadness that she had.
I was scared a little bit, but i was not sad. I was in a state of ‘apathy’.
I ‘did not know’ what will happen after death. I believed it was something good. But, ‘what if it isn’t’?
I told myself that whatever happens, i will always know how to handle it, like i always did whenever i come across a problem.
I always figured out a solution.
I knew i will still be here even after death.
I might not know what will happen when i cross over – if i cross over, but somehow i have this awareness that i will not die – that i will always be here – i just did not know the mechanics of it.
I was looking for something i can do that will give me all that i need to know – then i can do it and this will be all over. That is of course a belief and within that is Fear of death.
All i wanted was that which will work even if my body is dead or alive, something that is directed by who i really am – that which is a part of all that is here, that stands for what is best for all parts of me as Life
I was doing self-forgiveness for more than a year when i was diagnosed with breast cancer.
I was not sure if i was doing it right. I know that it works, but did not really know how to word the self-forgiveness properly.
I know that the person who investigated self-forgiveness is trustworthy and he was able to do what he said he would do.
So, i decided based from commonsense that i was going to use self-forgiveness to transcend this cancer scare.
I am going to use this tool effectively – not half-hazardly, and see what happens.
I asked myself this question:
‘Is there any self-forgiveness list that is written that i can read aloud that is going to support me during this time?’
“Speaking self forgiveness is like – ‘saying sorry to yourself’, but in more deep and intimate way. Saying sorry to yourself for separating yourself from yourself, from not realising that you can actually help yourself, from making your life difficult for yourself, from being hard on yourself, from not helping yourself. And in this self forgiveness as ‘saying sorry to yourself’ you then release yourself / set yourself free from your past so that you can help yourself to create a new future for yourself inside yourself. Through self forgiveness, you let go of the burdens of the past in your mind that is haunting you, and set yourself free to take your power back to change yourself, for yourself.” ~ Sunette Destonian Spies
Here’s an excerpt from an article written about self-forgiveness:
Self-Forgiveness is a Tool
Self-forgiveness is a tool. The more you apply it, the more it becomes you. Let me share with you how it works for me.
I use/apply self-forgiveness as a tool of ‘writing myself to freedom’. I began to write about everything that I observe as me and my reality. Any reactions – everything that bothers me, everything that I experience as limitation, everything that I experience as having power over me such as anger, depression, jealousy. Or desires that consume me and keep me obsessed. Everything.
See, emotions and thoughts for example come up ‘just like that’ – they are reactions, thus conditioned, pre-programmed, from even before we could walk on our two feet. I am sure that everyone remember themselves as children: seeing the dishonesty around, seeing the lack of common sense, seeing the manipulation and lies. But at some point we all began to compromize ourselves -we learned to manipulate reality to get what we want. We know exactly how to manipulate our friends, our partner etc. because it’s all so predictable – just like programs.
Through writing, I reveal myself to me – I reveal to myself the programs/conditionings that exist within me as me. I allow myself to be absolutely self-honest -not allowing myself to paint a nicer picture of reality, making things/myself look prettier/better. No. Brutal self-honesty is what I committed myself to.
As I go through what I’ve written, I am able to see –as each is able to see- how I actually deceive myself and give my power away to thoughts, emotions, beliefs and fears through my mere acceptance and allowance.
Then I take those points that I’ve revealed to myself and I apply self-forgiveness. As I write or speak self-forgiveness statements, I can watch the issue/construct I am working on unfolding in front of me, and I investigate each and every corner of it. So that nothing of it remains hidden. Writing or speaking self-forgiveness is a flow, just like following back a thread to see how i had woven the whole picture. Whenever I am stuck, I take a deep breath.
Forgiveness must be done in the breath, as the breath. It is not an intellectual act. The mind as the conditioning system we have become is not interested in forgiving. Thus, if I am stuck in a moment, I breathe and ‘come back here’ to the breath, and in the breath I force myself to continue by asking myself: what is here now? Because I know: whenever I am stuck, I am close to seeing an important point which my conditioned mind does not want me to see.
Self-forgiveness is using the mind to reveal the mind’s own nature. The mind has taken the role of suppressing our expression in order to apparently survive in this world. Now it’s time for us to become the directive principle of ourselves in self-honesty – no more allowing the conditionings of the mind as reactions and obsessions as manipulative survival skills to direct and define who we are.
Self-forgiveness is process work: as I write or speak self-forgiveness, I am seeing clearer into all aspects of an issue/ a construct. It’s like peeling off the layers of an onion and laying it all out in front of me, seeing what’s behind every layer – to then have an honest look at it and decide who I really want to be as LIFE. I self-honestly re-define who I am according to the principle of equality and oneness as life, instead of living as a conditioned robot according to my past experiences.
The self-forgiveness process/tool is about me giving me back to myself and clearly stating what I will accept and allow to exist within me as me -and what I will not accept and allow. No more compromizing. No more being a slave to the system/culture/religion i was ‘brought up’ in (and the thoughts/emotions/fears/beliefs/morality they taught me). Because how can different moralities exist, how can anyone be more than anyone else -when LIFE is equal always and all ways.
As I apply self-forgiveness, I literally feel myself taking my self-directive power back and becoming the self-honest directive principle of myself and my reality.
When do I apply self-forgiveness? Whenever I see that something inside of me is moving that I have not directed myself: thoughts, emotions, moods, reactions, mannerisms –anything that is here within me as me without me directing it –>self-forgiveness.
Self-forgiveness is me releasing myself from the past and directing myself to actually become LIFE as the directive principle of equality and oneness. Thus, the application of Self-forgiveness can only be valid and effective when I actually direct myself to practically CHANGE and stop existing through and as reactions of the past. I have to practically self-honestly direct myself here in the physical and change me from doing/being something that I haven’t directed myself to be/do. This is practical self-honest, self-responsible self-direction.
Self-forgiveness is a tool to stop automatisms -and is not to be used as justification/excuse/reason like: oh, I can forgive myself thus i may as well go and deceive that person! That would be the ultimate self-dishonesty and manipulation in separation of myself here. It is common sense that deceiving/harming another is actually harming and deceiving ourselves. We are all one.
We all have allowed this world to become a reality where self-interest & belief is placed before life. The system as how this world functions in its unequal hierarchy is what we serve – instead of standing up for life as LIFE equal and one for all – each is busy defending their interests according to their beliefs. It’s time that each stand up within themselves and state “’till here no further”! No more abuse, no more separation, no more enslavement, no more self-defeat, no more giving responsibility away to systems of this world. It’s time to make this world a place where the children to come are welcome and safe, where everyone is equal and one as LIFE.
Systems are the result of distrust between people, born from the unwillingness to forgive each other unconditionally and walk equal and one in forgiveness here as breath. The system regulates our relationships between each other because we do not trust each other. From this, control and power over another was born, justified as “I cannot trust them”.
Self-forgiveness is a tool to remove the layers of self-dishonesty and to self-honestly see what each has become. From that, forgiveness for each other will be born, and this will stop the cycles/systems of distrust. Because forgiveness forms the foundation of trust – any self-deception will leave eternal scars in self-trust and lead to much dis-ease.
You will find that self-forgiveness leads to self-honesty and common sense as foundation of self. Self-honesty and common sense in practical application lead to self-trust. Self-trust lived allows you to stand up for yourself as who you really are and for all life equally. From here, we are able to start establishing trust among us – because it is the lack of trust between human beings (as a result of the lack of self-trust) that leads to separation, defence mechanisms, abuse, manipulation, survival of the fittest.
Yet even ‘the fittest’ die. And when they die, all that they have been as power of this world through money, manipulation, repression – is no more. Nothing that is perceived to be of value/power in this world is of any real value. Because the true value of life as equality and respect, as self-honesy, self-trust and self-responsibility have been abdicated for the sake of apparent survival. And this we call life! What have we done to ourselves!
There is no forgiveness. No-one can forgive another. As no-one can save or stand up for another. Each must do it for self. Thus, we must start forgiving ourselves to set ourselves free from the past and to actually CHANGE ourselves in all ways we have been existing. This is the only way we can change the world. Because the world is but a reflection of who we are within.
This is the link that really assisted me:
The Self-forgiveness list :
‘I was determined to challenge every belief i had, just so i can live life and can also face death, confident that i am still here.’
I read this over and over again 1 -2 hours a day- aloud!
That was what i did everyday.