I was diagnosed with 4th stage breast cancer in my right breast in 2008.
The surgeon advised for me to undergo chemotherapy and radiation after the diagnosis. He advised me to undergo radiation first to reduce the tumor into a smaller size so that he can operate on it and then to undergo chemotherapy after that.
At that point i was feeling a burning itchy nagging sensation inside my breast all the time. It’s like a part of my body is itchy but i cannot scratch it. I was experiencing this physical stress within my body all the time.
I went and asked the perspective of another physician in another hospital. He advised me the same thing -to undergo radiation and chemotherapy. There was a little difference on the ‘why’, but he advised for me to do both.
So, i looked at the whole thing. Firstly, i know that my body cannot withstand chemotherapy given the stress that it is already in.
That burning itchy nagging sensation is stress that i can physically experience which is new to me as i have always ‘desired peace, serenity and bliss’. I did yoga and meditation ‘to get to a state where i can blissfully meditate for hours’ for 29 years.
This is my way of running away from my fear of death which is me also in denial of what is really going on in my body.
I did not know i was doing that until one day ‘my body called my attention’.
I realized i have to face this resonant stress that is going on in my body that is just like a bomb ready to explode.
I was just considering surgery at this point, so the tumor is still growing like a bomb that is ready to explode at any moment.
So, i was constantly feeling this burning, itchy, nagging sensation in my breast.
What really helped me was self-forgiveness for whatever fears i had, whatever thoughts i had, and it is still the tool i use at present.
I considered surgery first, to get that burning, itchy nagging sensation out, so i can focus more on healing the body and working with my doctor to commonsensically support the body.
I realized i had a yogi friend who’s a surgeon. So, the next time we met, i asked him the following questions:
“what are my chances of survival if i opt for surgery”?
”what are the advantages and disadvantages of this decision” ?
‘In the medical field, with regards to cancer surgery, what works and what does not work?’
He said that “my survival depends on the surgeon’s removal of all the cancerous tissues in my breast”.
He said, “If my surgeon can do that, there is a chance”.
But according to him this is difficult to do because there’s also the lymph node under my armpit that has to be removed.
It was a choice to live in fear or live without fear to live or die.
I chose the decision that is based on common sense and realized that although surgery does not guarantee “my survival”, it will help lessen the stress my body was in at that time.
I know that my surgeon was worried about disfiguring my body as he was talking about how people sometimes sue them if they become disfigured because of the operation. I assured him I will not do that and also told him that i have no problem about being disfigured and told him that all i wanted was to survive.
I talked to him about surgery.
He said that i will be disfigured if he operates on my breast which has grown so big at that point.
My right breast has grown to a size of a big grapefruit. It was like a red bomb ready to explode.
This surgeon told me that if he will operate on me, considering the size of my breast, he said he will have to take a portion of skin from my front left thigh to be used to graft the part of the breast where the skin will be removed.
I said, ‘that’s fine’.
All i wanted at that point was ‘to survive’.
I asked him, ‘what are the chances of me surviving if i do chemotherapy and radiation’?
He told me there are no guarantees and that there is no cure.
The oncologist also told me the same thing.
At that point, I asked myself this question:
So, if there is no cure, why would they recommend for me to undergo ‘chemotherapy and radiation’?
That did not make sense at that point.
So, i removed chemotherapy and radiation in my list of options.
There is only one thing left, and that is surgery. I decided to go for surgery.
I told my surgeon i have decided to go ahead with surgery and that I wanted for him to operate on my right breast.
I also told him that i am not going to do chemotherapy and radiation.
He did not agree with me – with my decision. He told me that if i do not do chemotherapy and radiation, my breast will rot and it will have worms and no family member will want to visit me.
There was some fear within my mind when I heard him say that because the ‘thought’ of a part of me rotting while I am in it was difficult to understand because from the mind’s perspective, there’s this belief that all my body parts has to be free from disease for me to live happily with my friends and family and that they will ostracize me from the family if I will have a contagious or deadly disease. What i realized was that i had a fear of being ostracized from my family and friends.
I did meditation for a long time and i thought i did not have this fear within me.I realized i just suppressed it because I wanted to believe that I can transcend the fear without facing it and that I only have to turn my back to it and run after the opposite which is desire to be healthy to have lots of friends to like to be in my circles and to have relatives to like to be identified with me as a healthy individual that will add to the value of who we are as a family – making my health mind value seem real instead of seeing and realizing that as I give mind values to health within my mind to make myself believe that when I am healthy, I will not be alone, I am in fact giving a mind value that is less than life to the worms that are part of this physical reality and a mind value that is less than life to rotting bodies which will become dust and the blood and other fluids in my body that is composed of water. So, i did self-forgiveness for having this fear of being ostracized or fear of being alone realizing that I am the breath that is in every breath that everyone breathes.
He advised for me to see my oncologist and talk to him about my decision to not go ahead with the chemotherapy.The next day, i talked to my oncologist about my decision to not undergo chemotherapy and radiation. I told him i decided to have surgery instead. He did not like my decision and barely spoke to me. He would not look at me straight in the eye.
I then talked to my surgeon about my decision to go ahead with the surgery without chemotherapy and radiation and informed him that i already talked to my oncologist.
I was asked to have another test which requires me to drink a radioactive solution. I was scared to drink this solution because I was scared that It will contribute to me having a disease instead of healing me of the one I got. I later found out that they are used so they can see where the cancer is in my body using computers supposedly making the cancer cells visible when one looks at the computer. I have to also face this fear of radioactive chemicals and forgive myself for separating myself from these radioactive substances that are also a part of the whole – that is life.
The following week, I was brought to the operating room to have surgery. When I was there, i saw my surgeon, so I called my surgeon and talked to him before he operated on me. I told him my request.
I told him to please remove all cancerous tissues and make sure there is nothing left even if it meant I will be deformed and I made it very clear for him to remove all cancerous tissues in my right breast and in the surrounding tissues.
He just looked at me passively and went away.
After the operation was performed, I was brought to a room to recover where my family and friends visited me while I reassured them I am okay. After so many months of dressing my would which eventually led to a nurse visiting me in my house to dress my wound regularly, doing some qi gong breathing exercises and simple Bagua exercises to strengthen my legs where the skin graft was taken from and after months of regularly visiting the surgeon for check-up and after many tests, my oncologist said i was clear of cancer.
My mind health was attributed to Self-forgiveness.
Part 2 : Cancer Cure: Questions and Answers
Part 3 : Cancer Cure: Life To Death To Life
I am blogging about ‘cancer to assist others – as me.
My decisions in my blog are not in any way an alternative to seeing a medical professional.
Working with your doctor to heal the body is advised