I Am What I Eat
Sugar has become a normal part of my everyday diet. When I was young, I ate sweets a lot, but when I got older, the desire for sugar decreased. Over the times of my sugar intakes, I noticed that sugar would have a physical effect on me — like a ‘shaking’ effect, but I never really gave it a second thought because I was so used to eating sugar. One day I saw a video about sugar. The point in the video is how sugar prolongs the life of the mind-consciousness system within/as the human physical body. My process at the time was to not support the integrity of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a mind-consciousness system. What I accept and allow myself to be and become is the very integrity of abuse — as that abuse is manifested physically within/as this world. Thus, I would have to eventually cut off sugar.
The process of stopping the mind is the process of birthing self as life. In other words, it is the process to stop all points within me that basically gives me a ‘high’ like sugar — because when I become ‘high’, I am no longer the directive principle of/as my world and reality. What becomes the directive principle of/as me is the ‘high’ as within the moments I ‘experience’ as a ‘good feeling’. Sugar gives a good feeling of ‘taste’ within the mouth. I especially like vanilla cake, and cookies and cream ice cream. It’s not the point of projecting blame and judgment onto sugar itself, but it is to realize who I am within and as my doingness — because within my doingness exists my acceptances and allowances. Thus, when I know that I am fucking with myself and still persists on doing that which supports my self-abusive nature, then I know that I am existing within/as self-dishonesty. Thus, when I eat sugar, I know that I am being self-dishonest. No, I don’t understand all of the mechanics of sugar, but there are references in front of me that tells me that it’s time to cut out of sugar, and within this point, there is a sort of ‘control’ within/as me — like I am being controlled to stop sugar. So I know that within that point of control there is a freedom that I define me as when I eat sugar, and that freedom is the actual ‘desire’ that I have for sugar. Thus I know that when I eat sugar, I am not self-honest because what I exist as when I am eating sugar is that point of desire, and wanting more and more to feed my mind the desires that it wants. And what actually becomes of me is an ego-personality that expresses a foundation of desire as a limited particle of my integrity which is not even real.
Thus I am, in my process, not stopping sugar intrinsically, but stopping the desire which feeds my mind that which it likes to create and form a personality out of. And from the desire, all other desires within/as me proliferate as I become dis-eased in its ‘energetic stimulations’ that I manifested from my own acceptances and allowances of me to remain the ego-personality of/as limitation. Thus, I am redefining what I eat because what is it that I really need to eat?
I only need to eat that which supports my body to have an effective life on this planet for me to birth myself as life. What does this mean? How can I birth myself as life when I’m dead? How can I create substantiated physical change as me within/as this world if I am dead? How can I actually ‘move’ things as ‘me’ when I am dead? Thus, the process of rebirth is simply birthing self-honesty as physical practical change. Because if I was actually self-honest, I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be typing the words in this blog, but this blog is my manifestation of my self–dishonesty within/as ‘food’. Yes, I mean, even the things that I eat also assists and support me within/as my self-dishonesty, and I didn’t see that until now really. So the saying “You are what you eat” is a valid statement. Thus, within food, I am able to correct myself within/as my eating habits to eat more effectively as a point of supporting my body for it to exist within this world effectively, so I can actually effectively and practically correct all points within/as myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become — one breath at a time.
So I can first correct myself by first writing about my desires today (April 15, 2012). I was at work, and my manager bought some cookies for the team. they were more like muffin cookies (very fluffy). I was looking at the sugar point and decided to eat one cookie, and I told myself that I will do the process of removing sugar from my diet some other time. I also went to a vegan restaurant and picked out some soy orange chicken which is also sweet. Again, I told myself that I already fucked up earlier this morning, so why not fuck up some more? A little bit later on, I ate another one of those fluffy cookies. So within these points, I could see that I was self-dishonest. I asked myself what would I possibly eat? I could either go on a ketogenic diet or a raw food diet. I looked at how many food items have glucose in it, and basically everything has glucose in it, lol. Well I don’t know about everything, but surely enough, there were a lot of food items that have glucose in it, but to cut sugar, I can simply start off with white sugar to direct myself within/as this point of stopping sugar.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my process is also within the foods that I eat, therefore, it is to take self-responsibility in applying myself in/as the foods that I eat — not to sabotage myself within/as ‘desire’ as a justification to support my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as justification — that everything is okay, and everything that I eat is okay, and make the excuse that I will inevitably die anyway, thus exist within the illusion of the freedom that I can eat anything that makes me feel good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel controlled when I am eating to support my body — of which I allowed myself to exist within/as ‘control’ and ‘freedom’ as ‘personality’, and thus, support my personality within/as the foods that I eat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the foods that I eat by and through satisfying my own desires of which I become fulfilled by — because I have not given myself to me. I have not entrusted me as ‘life’, thus, look for that ‘trust’ within/as desire because of how I feel as being ‘alive’ when I eat as the personality — and thus trust the personality to give me life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from life, and thus, see ‘life’ within foods — of which I have used to develop a desire thereof — based on my desire to be ‘life’ in separation through and within the mind that can only see life within as relationships. Thus, I form a relationship with food where I can sabotage myself in self-dishonesty instead of living self-honestly and stopping the lie that I have participated in through the eating of foods of which I have abused for my self-interests.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect self-interest to food, and thus to see food as a way to get out of my self-dishonesties by using the excuse that I need food to survive — and thus, use survival as a way to sabotage myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect survival with food, and to believe that the operating basis of me depends on food to live, and thus limit myself to/as a personality that uses food as a way to maintain happiness within/as ‘survival’, and thus not take self-responsibility of doing self-forgiveness and correcting myself over all points where I limit myself and form polarities based on survival as limitation — as I continue to sabotage myself within/as ‘personality’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the commonality and taste of sugar as an excuse to not want to correct myself in stopping all points that do not support me in process of stopping my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I don’t have sugar in my body, that I will become unhealthy, thus, hold on to the relationship of sugar so that I can have a fix of being fixed in the mind as ‘personality’ within/as limitation as ‘survival’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am missing out on something in my life if I am unable to eat sugar — based on how I have formed relationships to every sugar food item that I ‘like’, and that I have grown accustomed to, instead of living as the stability of me that is not dependent on food to make or break my integrity as a being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to slow down my process of stopping the mind through/as desires that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, and thus, justify those desires through/as my ‘personality’ that I believe and perceive myself to be based on my upbringing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my point of sabotaging myself within/as my process through/within the excuse of not understanding fully about the operations of sugar and the mind thus exist within a back door where I can get out and exist within/as self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within anger and to believe that it is a ridiculous point to stop eating sugar instead of walking the process of self-trust and to realize that the anger only exists because of self-interest to want to freely desire sugary substances to keep me ‘alive’ as the personality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to ‘want’ and ‘desire’ in order to live within/as this world — else, I will get bored, and thus will be unable to express myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect expression with food.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect expression with desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect expression with boredom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as the polarity of boredom and ‘energy’ that I defined as life, and to believe that I can only exist within/as this ‘energy’ of the mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions, thus, desire ‘sugar’, as a projection of the desire that I defined as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect desire with life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect sugar with life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the ‘vibrance’ that I experience from sugar is the ‘rush’ of life, and thus desire to keep this ‘rush’ within/as the continuous ‘intake’ of sugar wherein I have placed happiness within/as — as a point of separation to keep me in a state of desiring this ‘happiness’ through energy. And so within this, I create a personality from it, and live that personality of ‘searching’ for that vibrance of/as life through/as ‘spirituality’ — that I formed in my mind as the sugar-rush of self-deception.