Our private raw food preparation class was supposed to start at 11:00AM but it was already 11:09 and she hasn’t arrived yet. So, i was getting a bit nervous – there’s movement in my tummy. This was unnecessary because i will not really lose money if she cancels. I set up the class in a way where i am going to the supermarket with her to buy the ingredients – she pays. This eliminates financial loss. So, i was still typing the recipe when she called – she said she will be late for another 30 minutes because she came from work and she’s at the other side of town. She was very apologetic to the point of feeling guilty – so I told her not to worry because i am still typing the recipe. I did the recipe at the last minute before she came. She arrived at that point when i am about to finish the recipe.
I noticed this was a pattern in the past. My “best” comes out when i do things in a hurry. I remembered when i was in high school, i studied the night before the exam. I always passed the exam. When i was going out with someone in college, i left the guy waiting for an hour downstairs while i chat with friends upstairs – believing that i will know his sincerity only if he waited for me long enough. That to me was proof that he cared for me.
This was the way i judged myself as special -as more than others and judged others as less than me. This was also how i justified my procrastination. This was how i abused this person. So, in this blog i will direct this point. by doing self-forgiveness and self correction.
This is the statement i want to direct: “i was getting a bit nervous – there’s movement in my tummy. ”
Self-forgiveness for nervousness:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react and make the body physically experience mind reactions – as nervous energy – when someone calls she/he will be late.
When and as i see myself react and make the body physically experience mind reactions as nervous energy – when someone calls that she/he will be late i stop – i breathe and let go. I realize this gives me an energetic feeling of me existing as the ego-personality as if i am real – not realizing this was created in my mind – therefore not real.
Self-forgiveness for judging myself as special:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as special – more than myself – and others as less than myself – so make SS wait for long hours downstairs while i chat with my friends upstairs the dormitory – when i was in college – believing that i am special and that he should wait for me – and that that is the way he can prove that he is deserving of my love – and after he proved himself, that is the only time i will show him my love – as i believed my love is very special – and that it is worthy of penance – as i identify as the ego-personality – supporting other personality systems – which support the world systems..
When and as i see myself participate in judging myself as special and that SS should wait for me – to prove himself deserving of my care – as i believed my love is special – and that to be worthy of that, someone must do penance- and that, that’s the only time i will show him i care – i stop – i breathe and let go. I realize this gives me an energetic feeling that makes me believe i exist – as i identify as the ego-personality. I stop participating because this is not what is best for me – because participating in this – i will exist as the ego-personality – which is just an illusion – and is not real. This is not what is best for all because this supports the personality systems that supports the world systems.
Self-forgiveness for procrastinating
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when i make SS wait for long hours, he will prove himself worthy of my love -a love which i see as very special – because it is sincere and loyal – so he needs to do penance to deserve that love.
When and as i see myself participating in a belief that when someone is waiting for long hours, he will prove himself worthy of my love – a love which i saw as special – because it is sincere and loyal – so penance will make one deserving of that love – i stop – i breathe and let go. I realize that this gives me a feeling i am valuable as a person as i believed- i can love SS in a special way other women can’t. I stop participating because this is not what is best for me and not what is best for all.