Eating with S.L. After Making The Kale Salad
The raw food class went smoothly, with mostly S.L. doing all the work and me assisting her when she needed it. That was how i set up the class. To me, it is all about hands-on learning, otherwise it will just be a transfer of knowledge and information separate from oneself. We went together to the Wholefoods market near where i live. I handed her the written recipe and then i asked her what i will get next – me assisting her to get the nuts for example – from inside the bulk bins to a container and helping her to put the code and the price so checkout would be smooth.
She asked me if she can swing by the bank on our way home – so i waited for her in the car – while she took some money for her mom at the bank. When we arrived home, i put the produce in one place so she knows where to get them as she was making the dishes. I assisted her to chop or wash vegetables and to clean up. After about 6 hours, we were done making the dishes. She asked me to share the food with her. Before we started she said she first wanted to pray for God’s blessings. She said a prayer where she included my name and asked Jesus to bless me. I kept quiet while she prayed.
I just kept quiet. I did not tell her that i do not see prayer as a way of not taking self-responsibility – and that i stopped praying when i started college because i decided i cannot go on asking for forgiveness from Jesus so i can have someone to forgive me my sins – while i kept doing them or thinking them. That was not an option for me because, first of all i have not seen Jesus. Second, why get him to take self-responsibility in my behalf? Why can’t i stop?
The mind was just like a programmed system that keeps turning on everytime i heard a word, saw a person, heard a sound etc. – where it would automatically connect something to something or someone and form conversations inside my mind – and form thoughts – which i cannot stop.
Yesterday, i saw me suppressing me. I suppressed myself from speaking my perspective about life and the commonsense points of living – and instead of telling S.L. about how i stopped praying, i just kept quiet about that point. The reason why i kept quiet was because i had the belief that she will get upset and lose future connection with her – possibly losing her business – seeing she’s a devout christian.
I was very vocal throughout the day about my process and how i see emotions – i even talked about my agreement with Leon – and how we forgive ourselves from having desire for each other – and how this is assisting me to be stable. So, in this blog, i would like to direct this point – fear of being disliked and fear of losing her business – by doing self-forgiveness and self-correction for these points.
Self-forgiveness for fear of being disliked – thereby losing business:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disliked by S.L. – and within this fear losing her business.
When and as i see myself fearing being disliked by S.L. and fear losing her business – i stop – i breathe and let go. I realize that this gives me a feeling that my identity as the ego-personality is real and so i have to keep the praises coming so that my value as the personality will rise – and within that keep the ego-personality alive – within self-sabotage – where instead of me stopping my identification with/as the ego-personality – i will give it life and the illusion will seem real. I stop participating because this is not what is best for me because i will not be and do as who i really am. This is not what is best for all because continuing as the ego-personality means i will be supporting the ego-personality systems in this world.