I was reading Barbi’s blog, http://shsbarbi.blogspot.com/2012/01/from-rebound-to-reborn.html when i realized i have not fully directed an experience similar to her experience that happened to me in the past – my rebound rebirth story – so i am bringing the memory back to the present so i can direct it.
It was in 2008 when i had surgery for cancer. I abstained from having physical interaction for about 5 months after the operation because the doctors advised me to. My fear at that time was that R (my ex-husband, who was my husband at the time) will not be able to exist for that long without physical interaction. I was a bit overwhelmed by the fear of being sick and being drugged at that time so i refused chemotherapy and radiation because i know my body cannot handle those poisons.
During the healing phase after the operation, i found out i had a big phone bill. When i inspected the bill i saw that the phone calls were coming from and going to a phone number that belongs to someone i do not know. So, i called the number and i found out this is a woman’s phone number. She said her name was Miriam. I asked her why her phone number is in my phone bill and she said she does not know me. Before i called her i already know it was R who was calling this number and i knew that there can be cheating going on behind my back, I called the phone number just have to be sure i was right. I was right because Miriam (it turned out it was not her real name) told me that R told her he was single. She apologized.
I asked R if this relationship is going on or it is stopping. He said it was stopping. He said they did not have sex or anything like that, they just dated on Sunday nights – which was the time he would go to his friends house to watch basketball or go to see his daughter – which turned out to be alibis. So, we lived our lives again as if nothing happened. One day, while i was in the car, an anonymous lady called and when i asked who that was – he mumbled something. I immediately concluded he still have a relationship with this lady and so i ended the relationship. He bought a house after that and i suspected he settled with her girlfriend. I didn’t know that for sure. That was of course me as – what i call, the “i am jealous” personality that i was acting out. First i compared me with his new woman in my mind, then i judged her as better than me because i found out she was 24 yrs old and i was 51 at that time. R was 42 yrs old at that time so i concluded that he got someone younger than me because “I was not good enough for him as i now have 1 breast taken out (the cancer operation) and i was older”. This computation was all done in my mind. It was not real. I just made it all up. Funny how we all do this in many different scenarios in our life – at work, sports, with friends, with family members, in the media, politics etc. – not knowing that we are all participating in the same point – competition within comparison, judgment and jealousy.
I will direct this point here within my process. I would also like to mention that during the first three days of being separated from R, i read all the Veno Self-forgiveness List aloud – and by the third day – i was not missing R. I was a new person. Click here to see my process. Click here to see my story. Click here to see my agreement with L.
In our personal life
We perceive the people we are in a relationship with as either more than or less than us. We compare ourselves with each other. An example of positive or negative judgment would be – by simply saying:
“I like the way he makes love to me”, “I love it when he brings me roses”, “I love it when she wears her red dress”, “I love it when she puts her hair up”, “I hate it when he forgets to throw the trash”, “I hate it when he throws his mess around the house”.
We are one and equal as the one we are in a relationship with – anyone or anything we separate ourselves from. This can also be seen in the current monetary system we are in where we perceived ourselves separate from money – so as we see each other better than or less than us we accepted and allowed for some people to have more, and some people to have less than others. We created a system of inequality within money distribution. This then impulse us to work in self-interest. Competition exist because we participate in comparing what we have with others. We judge others as either more than or less than us, then we get jealous when we see we have less than what they have and so we aspire to have more. The cycle continues.
These are ways we participate in competition within comparison, judgment and jealousy in the society. We say:
“Let’s join the occupy movement – let’s join the protest!”, “Let’s buy an Armani perfume, I love it”, “I hate the Republicans”, ” I love the Republicans”, “I love those leather boots!”. “I love Kobe, i love the Lakers basketball team”, “I love food in Asia, I hate the food in the West”, “I graduated in UCLA, i hate Penn State”, “I am educated and you are illiterate”.
I would like to do self-forgiveness for the words i used that i perceived separate from me – where i was driven by the word because of the relationship i formed with it rather than directing the word as me one and equal.
I would also do self-forgiveness for participating in competition within comparison, judgment and jealousy.
My Self-forgiveness Statements
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself separate from the word love
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself separate from the word hate
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself separate from the word relationship
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself separate from the word competition
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself separate from the word comparison
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself separate from the word judgment
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself separate from the word jealousy
I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to participate in competition within judgment comparison and jealousy not realizing that i am one and equal as R and his girlfriend.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by getting him out of my life i have taken out the problems related to the relationship not realizing that unless i take self-responsibility nothing will change
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to BELIEVE that “I was not good enough for him as i have 1 breast taken out (the cancer operation) and i was older” – and this was the reason why he cheated in the relationship.