L and I had been together for about 3 months. When we started the agreement, there’s lots of “differences”. I have brown skin, he has black. He is 29 and i am 53 years old. I had one breast removed because of “breast cancer” in the past when he has all parts of his body in tact. I had lots of relationships in the past with men and he did not have any relationship with women in the past. That’s just a few.
I saw those differences as transcendence points. L agreed. I was sure that i can transcend the “differences” in color, age, and “experience”. I knew it will be “difficult” but looking at what i had been through in my life, i knew i can take on anything that comes my way. I asked L if he will be able to push through, he said he can, so we decided to be in an equality agreement.
There were so many points that came up when we started looking at what’s going on,
At first look, i “thought” i had experienced being alone for years not being with someone and years where i had someone all the time where i was in a “relationship” in the past.
I did not have a problem adjusting to either one. I just corrected my way as i go. I just pushed myself to adjust in the changes that was happening and as i adjust i got used to whatever changes happened. That was simple, so, i “thought” maybe he will be able to ajust in time.
One area that i have no experience is cross-dressing, so i looked at it. I saw it as body identification rather than being the breath in the body and using clothes to change ones identitty from a man to a woman. So, since these points has a mind origin, i saw those points as not real and can be stopped by doing self-forgiveness and self corrective application.
We are both doing the same process, where we stop the mind, and i see him doing that, so i figured he will adjust in time. So, i focused on our process of stopping the mind. I used the same “method” i used in my own process, which is, doing self-forgiveness when i see any thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, judgments, justifications, manipultions etc unconitionally, which means even if it did not make sense to me at that time.
So, what i did was to look when he was talking whether that’s a belief, an idea, a justification, a judgment, a manipulation, a desire, an aversion etc and suggested for him to do self-forgiveness on those points and i also encouraged him to do the same to me.
The last time we had a disagreement was when he got in a business i was not into and when i can see that supporting the agreement within physical interaction is being compromised in favor of earning money which was taking about 10 hrs of office work plus when he comes home he was still doing his multi level business and being overworked he has no time for physical interaction plus his points on gender issues and other points on top of that.
He does not see what i see though. His reality is different. He is getting tired of me saying what i am saying which is not real to him, and he dislike me disagreeing with him, so he was saying, he will tolerate 5 more disagreements and that’s it. When i heard that, i got upset, it got me to a point in the past when i was ending a “past relationship” . I heard myself saying “that’s it, i am going to get a ticket to LA tonight”. L said he was not ready to end the agreement .
I know that when i said what i said, i said it as the ego/personality, and NOT as who i really am. I heard myself say this before. So, i calmed myself down and told L we better talk at home. i got 4 pices of paper and asked him to look at how much time we were spending in different areas of our lives which includes earning money and supporting our agreement. It was funny to see that we were not even aware of how much time we really put in assisting all “areas” of our life. It was an assumption but not based on real figures,. We also both assumed we were spending about 12-16 hrs in supporting the agreement. That is a revelation of how we fool ourselves within unawareness.
This is not true because when i really looked at how much time we put on other things etc., it was clear that he was putting so little time and i cannot support the agreement if he was asleep. I pointed it out to him. We agreed that we will be cognizant of the time we spend in supporting all areas of our life, one and equal. We are now keeping a log of how we spend time – as time one and equal.
I looked at my process, and i can see that self-forgiveness was cool, but what was challenging was really stopping the mind from participating in those points again and being self-honest about my self dishonesty. That is being done as the breath in every moment here.
L’s points were varied, from vulnerability in being in a relationship to missing his family and video games to not working on the same business to desire to cross dress, to gender issues to beliefs about sex as a way to change from one gender to another, and downloading programs from the person etc.
My points were varied too, from exasperation from assisting him in his points and seeing it as a wate of “energy”- they were not my points and that it will take a lot of my “energy to take on his points, to aversion to take up gender issues because they are not my points and thinking that as i already worked on some points he is working at i should not go look at those points again and do the self-forgiveness and correction again to thinking i am finished with doing my self-forgiveness at these points so i am free and that is all that matters as i identify as the ego in self-interest. to aversion to L’s mind stuff because it might pull me down as i identify as the ego
But throughout all these points one thing is clear, whatever points he had, i also had in my past relatiionships, not in the same “degree” but i am including unconscious points here. So, i am doing self-forgiveness for them here and directing them here. These points are not real but i made them real by participating in them.
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Points I saw within this:
*Vulnerability in being in “relaltionship” with another person
*Missing family when involved in an intimate relationship
*Not being able to be free to play when in a relatonship
*Belief that when having sex one is downloading the partner’s programming
*Identification with one gender
*Separation from feminine or masculine expression
*Using clothes to define ones gender within a polarity equation
*Belief in Control and freedom as separate from oneself as one identify as the ego
*Belief that one can be trapped as one identify as the ego/personality
*Desire to control or manipulate ones partner
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*Belief that one is Vulnerabe within a”relaltionship” with another person
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am vulnerable within a “relationship” with another person
*Missing family when involved in an intimate relationship or living with someone
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to miss my family when i am involved in an intimate relationship or living with someone
*Not being able to be free to play when in a relatonship
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to play when in a “relationship”
*Belief that when having sex one is downloading the partner’s programming
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to believe that when having sex one is downloading the partner’s programming
*Identification with one gender and wanting to be the other gender
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to identify with the body and think that i have a gender that i like or not like
*Separation from feminine or masculine expression
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself separate from masculine and feminine expression
*Using clothes to define ones gender within a polarity equation
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to use clothes to define my gender within a polarity equation of masculinity and femininity
*Belief in Control and freedom as separate from oneself as one identify as the ego
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can have freedom when i can do whatever i like to do and be controlled when i cannot do what i like to do not realizing that i am one and equal as both
*Belief that one can be trapped as one identify as the ego/personality
I frogive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to believe that one can be trapped as i identify as the ego
*Desire to control or manipulate ones partner
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to desire to control or manipulate my partner
*Wanting to be right
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed msyelf to want to be right believing that right and wrong exist as i identify as the ego
*Self-interest
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to assist others from the starting point of self-interest
*Belief that all i have to do is do self-forgiveness for my points and that others will have to do self-forgiveness on theirs
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to believe that all i have to do is do self-forgiveness for my points and self correction for my points and others will have to do self-forgiveness and self-correction for their points as i identify as the ego
* Having a back door in “relationships”
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to have a backdoor in my “relationship” or within an agreement
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