http://www.budsoflife.org

Lots of time nothing to do?’

My aunt started crying when she saw me and i wondered why i was not feeling that same sadness that she had.

I was scared a little bit, but i was not sad. I was in a state of ‘apathy’.

I  ’did not know’ what will happen after death. I believed it was something good. But, ‘what if it isn’t'?

I told myself that whatever happens, i will always know how to handle i, like i always did whenever i come across a problem.

I always figured out a solution.

I knew i will still be here even after death.

I might not know what will happen when i cross over – if i cross over, but somehow i have this awareness that i will not die – that i will always be here – i just did not know the mechanics of it.

I was looking for something i can do that will give me all that i need to know – then i can do it and this will be all over.

I was doing self-forgiveness for more than a year when i was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I was not sure if i was doing it right. I know that it works, but did not really know how to word the self-forgiveness properly.

I know that the person who investigated self-forgiveness is trustworthy and he was able to do what he said he would do.

So, i decided based from commonsense that i was going to  use self-forgiveness to transcend this cancer scare.

I am going to use this tool effectively – not half-hazardly, and see what happens.

I asked myself this question:

‘Is there any self-forgiveness list that is written that i can read aloud that is going to support me during this time?’

Quotes:

“Speaking self forgiveness is like – ‘saying sorry to yourself’, but in more deep and intimate way. Saying sorry to yourself for separating yourself from yourself, from not realising that you can actually help yourself, from making your life difficult for yourself, from being hard on yourself, from not helping yourself. And in this self forgiveness as ‘saying sorry to yourself’ you then release yourself / set yourself free from your past so that you can help yourself to create a new future for yourself inside yourself. Through self forgiveness, you let go of the burdens of the past in your mind that is haunting you, and set yourself free to take your power back to change yourself, for yourself.” ~ Sunette Destonian Spies

Self-forgiveness is the act of rebirth and giving self to self through letting the past as self go and creating a new self that can be trusted to always be what is best for all. Bernard Poolman

Here’s an excerpt from an article written about self-forgiveness:

Self-Forgiveness is a Tool

http://wiki.destonians.com/Self-Forgiveness

Self-forgiveness is a tool. The more you apply it, the more it becomes you. Let me share with you how it works for me.
I use/apply self-forgiveness as a tool of ‘writing myself to freedom’. I began to write about everything that I observe as me and my reality. Any reactions – everything that bothers me, everything that I experience as limitation, everything that I experience as having power over me such as anger, depression, jealousy. Or desires that consume me and keep me obsessed. Everything.
See, emotions and thoughts for example come up ‘just like that’ – they are reactions, thus conditioned, pre-programmed, from even before we could walk on our two feet. I am sure that everyone remember themselves as children: seeing the dishonesty around, seeing the lack of common sense, seeing the manipulation and lies. But at some point we all began to compromize ourselves -we learned to manipulate reality to get what we want. We know exactly how to manipulate our friends, our partner etc. because it’s all so predictable – just like programs.
Through writing, I reveal myself to me – I reveal to myself the programs/conditionings that exist within me as me. I allow myself to be absolutely self-honest -not allowing myself to paint a nicer picture of reality, making things/myself look prettier/better. No. Brutal self-honesty is what I committed myself to.

As I go through what I’ve written, I am able to see –as each is able to see- how I actually deceive myself and give my power away to thoughts, emotions, beliefs and fears through my mere acceptance and allowance.

Then I take those points that I’ve revealed to myself and I apply self-forgiveness. As I write or speak self-forgiveness statements, I can watch the issue/construct I am working on unfolding in front of me, and I investigate each and every corner of it. So that nothing of it remains hidden. Writing or speaking self-forgiveness is a flow, just like following back a thread to see how i had woven the whole picture. Whenever I am stuck, I take a deep breath.

Forgiveness must be done in the breath, as the breath. It is not an intellectual act. The mind as the conditioning system we have become is not interested in forgiving. Thus, if I am stuck in a moment, I breathe and ‘come back here’ to the breath, and in the breath I force myself to continue by asking myself: what is here now? Because I know: whenever I am stuck, I am close to seeing an important point which my conditioned mind does not want me to see.

Self-forgiveness is using the mind to reveal the mind’s own nature. The mind has taken the role of suppressing our expression in order to apparently survive in this world. Now it’s time for us to become the directive principle of ourselves in self-honesty – no more allowing the conditionings of the mind as reactions and obsessions as manipulative survival skills to direct and define who we are.

Self-forgiveness is process work: as I write or speak self-forgiveness, I am seeing clearer into all aspects of an issue/ a construct. It’s like peeling off the layers of an onion and laying it all out in front of me, seeing what’s behind every layer – to then have an honest look at it and decide who I really want to be as LIFE. I self-honestly re-define who I am according to the principle of equality and oneness as life, instead of living as a conditioned robot according to my past experiences.

The self-forgiveness process/tool is about me giving me back to myself and clearly stating what I will accept and allow to exist within me as me -and what I will not accept and allow. No more compromizing. No more being a slave to the system/culture/religion i was ‘brought up’ in (and the thoughts/emotions/fears/beliefs/morality they taught me). Because how can different moralities exist, how can anyone be more than anyone else -when LIFE is equal always and all ways.
As I apply self-forgiveness, I literally feel myself taking my self-directive power back and becoming the self-honest directive principle of myself and my reality.

When do I apply self-forgiveness? Whenever I see that something inside of me is moving that I have not directed myself: thoughts, emotions, moods, reactions, mannerisms –anything that is here within me as me without me directing it –>self-forgiveness.

Self-forgiveness is me releasing myself from the past and directing myself to actually become LIFE as the directive principle of equality and oneness. Thus, the application of Self-forgiveness can only be valid and effective when I actually direct myself to practically CHANGE and stop existing through and as reactions of the past. I have to practically self-honestly direct myself here in the physical and change me from doing/being something that I haven’t directed myself to be/do. This is practical self-honest, self-responsible self-direction.

Self-forgiveness is a tool to stop automatisms -and is not to be used as justification/excuse/reason like: oh, I can forgive myself thus i may as well go and deceive that person! That would be the ultimate self-dishonesty and manipulation in separation of myself here. It is common sense that deceiving/harming another is actually harming and deceiving ourselves. We are all one.

We all have allowed this world to become a reality where self-interest & belief is placed before life. The system as how this world functions in its unequal hierarchy is what we serve – instead of standing up for life as LIFE equal and one for all – each is busy defending their interests according to their beliefs. It’s time that each stand up within themselves and state “’till here no further”! No more abuse, no more separation, no more enslavement, no more self-defeat, no more giving responsibility away to systems of this world. It’s time to make this world a place where the children to come are welcome and safe, where everyone is equal and one as LIFE.

Systems are the result of distrust between people, born from the unwillingness to forgive each other unconditionally and walk equal and one in forgiveness here as breath. The system regulates our relationships between each other because we do not trust each other. From this, control and power over another was born, justified as “I cannot trust them”.

Self-forgiveness is a tool to remove the layers of self-dishonesty and to self-honestly see what each has become. From that, forgiveness for each other will be born, and this will stop the cycles/systems of distrust. Because forgiveness forms the foundation of trust – any self-deception will leave eternal scars in self-trust and lead to much dis-ease.

You will find that self-forgiveness leads to self-honesty and common sense as foundation of self. Self-honesty and common sense in practical application lead to self-trust. Self-trust lived allows you to stand up for yourself as who you really are and for all life equally. From here, we are able to start establishing trust among us – because it is the lack of trust between human beings (as a result of the lack of self-trust) that leads to separation, defence mechanisms, abuse, manipulation, survival of the fittest.

Yet even ‘the fittest’ die. And when they die, all that they have been as power of this world through money, manipulation, repression – is no more. Nothing that is perceived to be of value/power in this world is of any real value. Because the true value of life as equality and respect, as self-honesy, self-trust and self-responsibility have been abdicated for the sake of apparent survival. And this we call life! What have we done to ourselves!
There is no forgiveness. No-one can forgive another. As no-one can save or stand up for another. Each must do it for self. Thus, we must start forgiving ourselves to set ourselves free from the past and to actually CHANGE ourselves in all ways we have been existing. This is the only way we can change the world. Because the world is but a reflection of who we are within.

This is the link that really assisted me:

The Self-forgiveness list :

‘I was determined to challenge every belief i had, just so i can live life and can also face death, confident that i am still here.’

I read this over and over again 1 -2 hours a day- aloud!

That was what i did everyday.

Cancer : Questions and Answers

I searched the words ‘cancer cure‘ in Google when i was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008 and found nothing that could really assist me.

I was looking for something that  can assist myself  to see where that burning/itchy nagging sensation/physical stress was coming from exactly and why it was doing that.

I wanted to know what i can do that will not be very expensive (one of the biggest stressor is not having money) or who i can talk to – someone that can answer all my questions accurately.

Someone who will take me by the hand and will assist me to look at myself.

Someone that will make me see ‘the path to recovery’, that will eventually lead to the solution.

What i found out was there’s so many links to cures being suggested in the internet but the cause of the disease was not clearly laid out.

There were some links that talked about the cause of cancer but ended up marketing something that was not exactly based from commonsense but was  designed to sell me a book or a getaway (so be aware of this).

I did not know i have the answer to my questions.

I did not know that this is not about the cure but about who i am in every moment of breath.

I am here in every moment of breath, able to assist me . I am the one that i am looking for.

I am alone in this journey.

I realized that it’s a self-intimate moment.

To provide the solution to a problem one has to know the problem, that was what was commonsensical to me at that point.

My surgeon and my oncologist were the two people i went to, to ask. They did not give me the answers to all my questions, but they did answer some.

There were 2 things i wanted to find out when i was diagnosed with breast cancer:

I asked myself, What is the physical/direct cause of cancer?’,

So i can work with my doctor in deciding what will be best for me /my body

I also asked myself this question, ‘What can i do to assist myself to use this cancer journey to transcend my mind ?’

So i can assist myself to accept and allow me to  see things as they are, and decide using commonsense.

There were some recommended food items in different sites that they claimed assisted others, namely:

Comfrey

Baking soda

Juices

Mushroom tablets

Radionics

Homeopathic remedy etc.

One of the questions i asked in the beginning was, ‘am i going the holistic way or the tradition way – allopathic treatment?

I wanted to go the holistic way but there were no report or writings about the same exact case that i am in, who got healed of breast cancer similar to mine, so i opted for surgery.

There was a lady physician that had a book of her journey, who was able to heal herself without chemotherapy and radiation, but she had a smaller tumor than me, so i did not choose that option.  She had a tumor as little as a key lime (1/2 inch) while I had a tumor as big as a big Grapefruit (4 inches in diameter).

There was another person who took wheatgrass and healed herself, but did not really open up about her whole journey.

So, i decided to just trust myself and whatever decisions i have that is based on commonsense.

I did self-forgiveness for whatever fears, thoughts, reactions and  backchats i had.

My decision to drink  juices at that point to feel light, so i can deal with the burning, itchy, nagging sensation helped me to cope with the nagging sensation, but, bringing the memory back here and asking me the question, ‘am i really assisting the body to get the nutrients that it needs at that moment?

No. I was not ready to listen at that point. I was in a state of ‘panic’.

It was based from my fear of  feeling heavy and being irritated which i connected to ‘ things are getting worse’.

So, let’s look at some answers to my questions :

1. What is the physical cause of cancer?

From: The Direct Cause of Cancer

http://www.drkelley.com/CANLIVER55.html

(from Cathy’s Blog)

2. What can i do to assist myself to use this cancer journey to transcend my mind ?

I found many suggestions but one that talks about ones journey in detail, none.

So, here’s the tool i used:

Self-forgiveness

http://wiki.destonians.com/Self-Forgiveness

Cancer Cure: My Story

I was diagnosed with 4th stage breast cancer in my right breast in 2008.

The surgeon advised for me to undergo chemotherapy and radiation. He advised me to undergo radiation first to reduce the tumor into a smaller size so that he can operate on it and then to undergo chemotherapy after that.

At that point i was feeling a burning itchy nagging sensation inside my breast all the time. It’s like a part of my body is itchy but i cannot scratch it. I was experiencing this physical stress within my body all the time.

I went and asked the perspective of another physician in another hospital. He advised me the same thing -to undergo radiation and chemotherapy.There was a little difference on the ‘why’, but he advised for me to do both.

So, i looked at the whole thing. Firstly, i know that my body cannot withstand chemotherapy given the stress that it is already in.

That burning itchy nagging sensation is stress that i can physically experience which is new to me as i have always ‘desired peace,  serenity and bliss’. I did yoga and meditation ‘to get to a state where i can blissfully meditate for hours’ for 29 years.

Is this is my way of running  away from what is really going on in my body?

I did not know i was doing that – until one day ‘my body called my attention’

I realized i have to face this resonant stress that is going on in my body, that is just like a bomb ready to explode.

I was just considering surgery at this point, so the tumor is still growing  like a bomb that is ready to explode any moment.

So, i was constantly feeling this burning, itchy , nagging sensation in my breast.

What really helped me was self-forgiveness for whatever fears i had, whatever thoughts i had,  and it is still the tool i use at present.

So, i considered surgery first, to get that burning, itchy nagging sensation out, so i can focus more on healing the body and working with my doctor to commonsensically support the body.

I  had a yogi friend who’s a surgeon. So, i asked him the following questions:

‘what are my chances of survival if i opt for surgery’?

”what are the advantages and disadvantages of this decision’ ?

‘In the medical field, with regards to cancer surgery, what works and what does not work?’

He said that my survival depends on the surgeon’s removal of all the cancerous tissues in my breast.

He said, ‘If he can do that, there is a chance’

But according to him this is difficult to do because there’s also the lymph node under my armpit that has to be removed.

So, i decided to have surgery.

I know that my surgeon was worried about disfiguring my body and was talking about how people sometimes sue them if they become disfigured because of the operation.

So, when i had the chance, I told him i have no problem about being disfigured and that all i wanted was to survive.

I talked to him about surgery.

He said that i will be disfigured if he operates on my breast which has grown so big at that point.

My right breast has grown to a size of a big grapefruit.

This surgeon told me that if he will operate on me – considering the size of my breast, he said he will have to take a portion of skin from my front left thigh to graft to the part of the breast where the skin will be removed.

I said, ‘that’s fine’.

All i wanted at that point was to survive.

I asked him, ‘what are the chances of me surviving if i do chemo and radiation’?

He told me there are no guarantees and that there is no cure.

The oncologist also told me the same thing.

So, if there is no cure, why would they tell me to do this?

That did not make sense at that point

So, i removed chemotherapy and radiation in my list of options.

There is only one thing left, and that is surgery. I decided to go for surgery.

I told my surgeon i have decided to go ahead with surgery – for him to operate on my breast.

I also told him that i am not going to do chemotherapy and radiation

He did not agree with me and he told me that if i do not do chemotherapy and radiation, my breast will rot and no family member will want to visit me.

There was some fear within my mind, so i did self-forgiveness for that

He advised for me to see my oncologist and talk to him about my decision to not go ahead with the chemotherapy.

So, i talked to him about my decision to not have chemotherapy and told him i decided to have surgery instead.

He did not like my decision and barely spoke to me.

I then talked to my surgeon about my decision to go ahead with the surgery without chemo and radiation and informed him that i already talked to the oncologist.

So, when i was in the operating room,  i called him before he operated on me and told him  my request

I told him to please remove all cancerous tissues and make sure there is nothing left.

He just looked at me and went away.

So, the operation was performed and after a month and after the test, my oncologist said it was clear .

===

Note:

I am walking this ‘cancer ‘cure’ point again  to assist others – as me.

My decisions in my blog are not in any way an alternative to seeing a medical professional.

Working with your doctor to heal the body is advised

http://www.redefininginternationalcuisine.wordpress.com

by Leon Perry

Part 2

Here I am writing a blog about my experience with eating chocolate-chip cookies. Basically, I’ve been feeling guilty eating chocolate-chip cookies. There has been a lot of talk about sugar, and how bad it is for the physical body. My first prominent introduction to the effects of sugar is through Desteni. I came across a video of Osho through the Portal talking about sugar, and how sugar prolongs the life of the mind-consciousness system within the physical body. I read this, but didn’t have a clear understanding about how sugar technically affects the physical body. I additionally listened a bit toSugar: The Bitter Truth at a subsequent time — byDr. Robert Lustig in which he breaks down how sugar affects the physical body, and its relationship to obesity. Albeit the information was technical, I still wasn’t satisfied because there was no technical interdimensional-scientific perspective of it from / through Desteni. I simply followed other Destonians, and made a commitment to cut down sugar, but I didn’t see, realize, and understand that I was cutting down sugar — in separation: through knowledge and information rather than within / from a starting-point of self-honesty, and so therefore, I created a GUILT — which is, in fact, an energy-experience of knowing that I have committed some kind of ‘offense’, but when and as I accept and allow myself to exist within guilt, I accept the point of what I am feeling guilty for — to exist, and thus use guilt as a justification of the point — rather than a self-directive ‘movement’ to correct the point in equality and oneness.

Because how can I correct a point through guilt, if I didn’t even make the choice to feel guilty in the first place? If I would have made the choice to feel guilty, I would know and understand the exact origins of how I created the guilt to exist within me in the first place, but if I cannot explain its origin, then I am possessed by it. It’s like a form of ‘channeling a higher being‘. The person / people that are channeling beings do not know exactly where the being comes from, but the person / people strangely put their trust in them anyway for guidance. It is the same as the emotions and feelings that we participate in. So here, I’d like to do self-forgiveness for eating cookies in guilt — not really because of sugar — because I do not know the entire process of how sugar affects the physical body, but what I DO know is that my starting-point for eating sugar is to feel good, and again, how can I trust my feelings / desires — the same as my emotions (such as guilt) if I am not the one directing the feelings, and making a choice to feel a certain way? If I made a choice to feel a certain way, there would be no reason for me to go into / participate in an emotion or feeling because why would I choose to participate in an emotion or a feeling if I am self-directive in my decision making? Because have a look — I am not self-directive when and as it comes to participating in an emotion or feeling because an emotion or feeling is an out-flow of a particular experience that I didn’t direct myself within in the past, and so as a result, I create a ‘relationship’ to the particular experience in the past, and allowed that experience to dictate my response to it — which becomes an emotion or a feeling. Thus, why would I ‘choose’ to become defined by an experience — allowing an experience to create a response within me? So I can see that I use emotions, such as guilt, to attempt to correct my relationship with my ‘desire’ — to have / create / experience a ‘good feeling’ when eating chocolate-chip cookies. So in the next blog, I’d like to do self-forgiveness — for accepting and allowing myself to be / become dictated by ‘desire’ — through the consuming of sugar — which is an out-flow as a ‘feeling’, and to try to correct the point using ‘guilt’ — which is another out-flow as an emotion. The question is, how can I use an ‘out-flow’ (consequence) to correct another out-flow (consequence). Just doesn’t work….. If that was the case, this world would have already been a changed world.

Nature, Picnics, Vacations, Travel Day 156

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-story-of-nature-rice-banana-leaf.html

Self-forgiveness Part 1

Here i am doing self-forgiveness for  connecting nature to a positive experience which comes from

Fear of a difficult life and so Desires to be Happy

Happiness‘ character

In this blog, i saw different characters playing out and which opens up my participation in:

*Desire to go to picnics

*Desire food in picnics

*Desire to play mahjong – ivory mahjong set – where i saw elephant abuse – tusks of elephants being made into mahjong sets

*Desire to win in mahjong -giving birth to the gaming industry- showing me i created this in my mind participation as a mind character

*Desire to cook food for family and friends who play mahjong with us which gave birth to the food industry – showing me i created this in my mind participation as a mind character

*Desire to earn easy money – giving birth to the Multi-level Industry

*Fear of suffering leading to desire to be saved by Jesus

Etc.

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-story-of-nature-rice-banana-leaf.html

===

Nature, Picnics, Vacations, Travel Day 157

Here, i started doing self -forgiveness  for different characters i saw in part 4 broken into 

SF part 1

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/nature-picnics-vacations-and-happiness.html

===

Part 6: Nature, Picnics, Vacations, Travel Day 158 JTL 21 Days Breathing

Competition, Winning, Not desiring to gamble But Instead Eat In Las Vegas Casino Restaurants

SF Part 2

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-story-of-nature-rice-banana-leaf_18.html

===

Nature, Picnics, Vacations, Travel Day 160 JTL 21 Days Breathing 

Giving money to friends when i win, cooking for family and friends

SF Part 3

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/me-elephant-nature-rice-banana-leaf.html

===

Nature, Picnics, Vacations, Travel Day 162 JTL 21 Days Breathing 

Mahjong, Multi-level, Jesus and Self-employment:

SF Part 4

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/nature-rice-banana-leaf-jesus-me-and.html

===

After the self-forgiveness, i was about to do a self-commitment for correction when i cross- referenced with my partner, he said he cannot understand the names of the characters because it has too many hyphens (-) so i started to rename the characters in a way that it can be understood by readers.

As i was doing that, i saw the fears that made me desire to be happy, so i started identifying the fears of each character.

In the blogs to come i will be identifying the fears of each character which i haven’t done, i’ll start with part 9 -A

Nature, Food and Philippine Picnics  Part 9 Day 163: Happiness Character and Its Fear

Fears Part 1

Food, Picnics Etc.

http://junejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/nature-elephant-and-philippine-picnics.html

===

According to Wikipedia,
Sentient Diet

Sounds like: Sat – Vive  K- nowledge

A Diet that is based from knowledge and information separate from oneself – where one believes that certain foods have negative,  neutral or positive energy that can affect the mind (the mind which one separated oneself from), and the body ( the body which one separated oneself from) – a vegetarian diet without onions, garlic, eggs etc. believing it is harmful for both mind and body- not realizing that this is a belief – and when lived manifest what one believes as if it is real –  not seeing that it was created in ones mind. It has no real physical existence. One lives according to ones beliefs where one manipulates oneself and manifests those beliefs – where one separates from the the food item one eats – as one identifies as the ego-personality – perceiving oneself separate from all that exist – existing in a system – where plants and animals are killed for food and profit

Within ones investigation, one realizes that one is equal to all that exist.

Redefines the  Sattvik diet as –  food like water, cereal, grains, legumes, vegetables, fruits, nuts, unpasteurized and homogenized milk and milk derivatives, like ghee, butter, cream, cheese, yoghurt and raw honey – which the body prefers without onions, garlic, mushrooms, meat, fish and seafood – as the body does not respond well to them  - where one brings the food here within oneself standing equal to the food and its expression  and seeing how the body responds to the food after one eats them

Doing this until we do not need to kill plants and animals for profit – in a world that truly honors Life.

Redefining the word June Roca

‘I Stole My Identity’ as June Roca 

‘I Stole The Identity’ of The Peppercorn

Redefining The Peppercorn

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